Love Is Gone

They'll never hurt you like I do, no, no
Konstantine - Something Corporate

Last night I went out with P and a bunch of other friends who were visiting from out of town. P is always very... touchy when we are out together even though he has a new girlfriend and he knows about S and I. I don't really mind this because having him around is amazing company, like having your long lost best friend pop back into your life. Since we were together for so long I feel really confortable with him, and even enjoy having that bit of physical contact when we are around each other. It is familiar and... natural. Last night went too far though.

P came and picked me up and hung around with my little brother while I got ready. We drove to meet up with my friends soon after, listening to cd's from when we used to be together. We laughed and remembered how things used to be. "Fix You" by Coldplay was our song. Haha, healthy relationship, huh? I do miss him sometimes though, but I know it's not as much as he misses me. Part of what I learned from our relationship is what I do not want in a man, and how I never want to rely on someone as much as I used to rely on him.

Drinking persued as we met and greeted friends of friends. The club was a blast, I definitely made it on to the stripper pole a few times! I'd start out lifting my right leg up as high as possible and jumping up a bit as I flung myself around the pole to the delight of all. "You're way too good at that" said P. Way to go Luxie! He was absolutely adorable when he tried to dance because he has NO skills. Good times had by all. Besides the fact that I spent WAY too much money... tsk tsk.

Afterwards we headed to my girlfriend's apartment where blazing weed and drinking continued. P joined me in the guest room after I made some killer macaroni and proceeded to pressure me into getting with him. I've told him a hundred times that besides the occaisional pec or "I love you" I just want to be friends now. I felt SO guilty... S is so good to me and he deserves the best. After a stern talking to P agreed to just cuddle. The weird thing is that after he thought I was asleep he started squeezing me and breathing hard. "I wish you loved me as much as I love you..." he whispered. Awwweh, make me cry right now why don't you!!

I've never once broken up with a boy and I think the reason for that is I just absolutely hate hurting people! Seeing P in that condition over me was absolute torture... I truly do want the best for this man, I just don't think that's me! Am I being selfish by still hanging around him? It's been over a year since we split up and we've only been talking again for about two months, every two weeks or so. He has another girlfriend so I assumed he had moved on... This really rocks my world but I know that S is the right guy for me, right now at least. Sorry P! You know I will love you forever.